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There was a Rabbi, Hindu, and a Lawyer, in a car, on a trip in the Country, when
their car broke down. They used a Cellular Phone to call a Repairman, but He said
He couldn't reach them until the next morning. They saw a light on in a Farmhouse
down the road, so they went to see if they could spend the night. The Farmer said He
had room for Two in the house, but one would have to sleep in the barn.
The Rabbi being humble, said He would go to the barn. After a couple of minutes there came a knock on the door, and there stood the Rabbi, stating there was a Pig in the barn and He just couldn't stay in the same place with such an unclean animal as was His Religious Belief. The Hindu Man said He would sleep in the barn. In a few minutes another knock on the door and there stood the Hindu, saying there was a Cow in the barn and feeling the Cow to be Sacred , He didn't feel Worthy to be under the same roof. So the Lawyer told them He wasn't all that hung up on Religion as the other two and it wouldn't bother Him to sleep in the barn. After a few minutes came the knock on the door. When they answered the door, there stood the Pig and the Cow!! Submitted by Monica Smithe from Texas on March 31/99 |
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On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early
one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the
pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation
looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In
a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife
dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and
he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!) and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river. Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Heck, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health". Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?" Submitted by Michael from Richmond B.C. Canada on March 31/99 |
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Lawyer: So, Doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the cause of death of the patient? Doctor: That's correct. Lawyer: Did you examine the patient when he came to the emergency room? Doctor: No, I performed the autopsy. Lawyer: OK, were you aware of his vital signs while he was at the hospital? Doctor: He came into the emergency room in shock and died in the emergency room a short time after arriving. Lawyer: Did you pronounce him dead at that time? Doctor: No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy. I was not involved with the patient initially. Lawyer: Well, are you even sure, then, that he died in the emergency room? Doctor: That is what the records indicate. Lawyer: But if you weren't there, how could you have pronounced him dead, having not seen or physically examined the patient at that time? Doctor: The autopsy showed massive hemorrhage into the chest, and that was the cause of death. Attorney: I understand that, but you were not actually present to examine the patient and pronounce him dead, isn't that right? Doctor: No, sir, I did not see the patient or actually pronounce him dead, but I did perform an autopsy and right now his brain is in a jar over at the county morgue. As for the rest of the patient, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere. Submitted Liliana Raasik from Russia on March 31/99 |
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A depressed young woman was so desperate, that she decided to end her life by
throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome
young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to
live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my
ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he
slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll
keep me happy."
The girl nodded 'yes'. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry." Submitted by Graham from Hamilton Ontario on March 31/99 |
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Then theres the one about the two newfies working on the roof,putting
new shingles up before the north atlantic winds rage for the winter. the
son on one side and the father on the other. Not knowing if the son is
doing the job rite, the father peeks over the edge of the roof to
watch....The son takes a nail and hammers it into the shingle and takes
another and looks at it before throwing it away.This goes on for some
time until the father can no longer remain quiet.
"whatcha doin son" he says.
" Pa..these sure is some cheap nails ya bought..every secon one has the
head on the wrong side!!!" answered the son.
Well the father was all flustered and returned in a rather upset tone.
"cripes sake son dont throw em away ,we can use em on this side of the
roof" Submitted by Paul White from Montreal, Canada on April 2/99 |
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A man, called to testify at the IRS asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied. Then he
asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Don't let
them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his
Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice and requested some resolution of
the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about
to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.'Wear a
heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your
most sexy underwear.'" The man protested, "What does all this have to do with
my problem with the IRS?" The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear my son, you're going to
get screwed."
Submitted by Bill Millar from Tasmania, Australia on April 6/99. |
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A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest
department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the
counter and said. "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquired the man, "There is more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the sales clerk. Confused, the man asked what the types were. The saleslady replied "The Catholic Type, The Salvation Army Type, and The Baptist Type. Which one do you need?" Still confused the man asked "What is the difference between them?" The lady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills. Submitted by Bill Millar from Tasmania, Australia on April 6/99 |
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BEST T-SHIRT SAYINGS "Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad" "I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead" "Husband and Cat Lost... Reward for Cat" "Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton" "Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt" "Learn from Your Parents' Mistakes... Use Birth Control" "If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees" "If You Can Read This...Kiss A Teecher" "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up" "If You Remember the '60s, You Weren't Really There" "Procrastinate Now" "Rehab Is for Quitters" (Across a drawing of a skeleton) "Waiting for the Perfect Man" "My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse....... He Couldn't do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse" "The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Harley" Submitted by Bill Millar from Tasmania, Australia on April 9/99. |
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Different People and Different Sports When blue collar get together they often talk about football. When middle management meet, they talk about tennis. When top management meet they talk golf. Conclusion: The higher you climb in the corporate ladder the smaller your balls become. Submitted by Randy H. from Chicago, Illinois, USA on April 8/99. |
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Game show Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow. "Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon." After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly. "OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'" The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber. At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question. "Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds." "Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..." "That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!" Submitted by Karen Lindley from Ontario, Canada on April 10/99. |
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WHAT GIRLS SAY AND WHAT THEY MEAN They say: Can't we just be friends? They mean: There is no way in hell I am ever gonna let any part of your body touch mine again They say: I just need some space They mean: Yea, space without you in it They say: Can you help me with my homework? They mean: If I keep whining the fool will do it for me They say: Do I look fat in this dress? They mean: We haven't had a fight in awhile They say: No, pizza's fine They mean: Cheap bastard They say: I just don't want a boyfriend right now They mean: I just don't want you as a boyfriend They say: I dunno; what do you wanna do? They mean: I can't believe you don't have anything planned They say: Come here They mean: My puppy does this too They say: I like you but... They mean: I just don't like you They say: You never listen They mean: You never listen! They say: I'll be ready in a minute They mean: I AM ready, but I'm gonna make you wait cuz I know you will They say: Oh no, I'll pay for myself They mean: I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going Dutch They say: Oh yes! Right there! They mean: Well, near there; I just wanna get this over with They say: I'm just goin out with the girls They mean: We're gonna go out and make fun of you and your friends They say: There's no one else They mean: I'm doing your brother They say: Size doesn't count... They mean: Unless I want an orgasm WHAT GUYS SAY AND WHAT THEY MEAN They say: It's just orange juice, try it They mean: 3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head They say: She's kinda cute They mean: I wanna bang her til I'm blue They say: I dunno if I like her They mean: She won't blow me They say: I need you They mean: My hand is tired They say: I had her They mean: I had wet dreams about her all week They say: I really wanna get to know you better They mean: So we can do what I tell my friends we do already They say: How do I compare with all your other boyfriends? They mean: Is my penis really that small? They say: You're the only girl I've ever cared about They mean: You're the only girl that hasn't rejected me They say: I want you back They mean: ...for tonight anyway They say: We've been through so much together They mean: If not for you, I never would've lost my virginity They say: I miss you so much They mean: I'm so horny that my roommate is starting to look good They say: No, I don't wanna dance right now They mean: Shoot! She'll know that I have a hard-on! They say: The break-up should not start for another few hours~ They mean: I wanna have sex a few more times They say: I'm different from all the other guys They mean: I'm not circumcised Submitted by Roger Rodriguez from Mexico on April 10/99. |
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A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first
intermission he had to take a leak in the meanest way, so
he hurried to find the bathrooms.
He searched in vain for the bathrooms, but he finally found a beautiful fountain with foliage, and nobody was watching, so he decided to take a leak right there. When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun. He searched in the dark until he found his wife. "Did I miss much of the second act?" he asked. "Miss it?" she said, "You were in it!" Submitted by Bill Millar from Tasmania, Australia on April 11/99 |
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He Who Brags Last Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left. The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break though. They made him a salesman and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday." The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE too got a break. They made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the Real Estate firm. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday." The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you on that. My son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. He had a similar break after years of hard work. In fact, he's so rich now that he just gave HIS best friend a million in stock for his birthday." The fourth guy comes back from the can. The first 3 explain that they were telling stories about their kids, so he says, "Well, I learned something new about my son recently. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. That used to worry me for his financial future, but not anymore. I also learned that he's gay and has several boyfriends." "Really?" says one of the others, "was that a shock for you to learn?" "Well, sort of. I've come to understand that there are more than a few ways to have the best in life. He does very well for himself. For example, his boyfriends bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and a million in stock for his birthday!" Submitted by Eddie Wilson from England on April 11/99. |
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