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A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE
BEER FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy
asks the bartender what the test is.
Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her. Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and they get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?" Submitted by Byron Irvine from Alabama USA on March 31/99 |
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A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small
cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.
There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag." Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her. Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again. Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold." This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married." The nun said, "That's fine by me." To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own stupid blanket!" Submitted by Jonathon from San Diego California USA on March 31/99 |
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The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee,
and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations
available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the
Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After
becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over
every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to
the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come
running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and
muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'." God takes him aside, offering comfort,
and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again,
"It's the letter 'R' that got left out! The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"
Submitted by Norm Adderley from Maui Hawaii on April 1/99 |
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Punk rocker with long purple, green, and blue spiked hair walks into bar. Sits down,
orders a beer and immediately feels the intense stare of a tipsy old guy at the end of
the bar....
Punk goes about his business all the while aware of the intent stare, until finally the tension builds and he turns to the old guy and says loudly... "What! Didn't you ever do anything impulsive and crazy when you were young?" The old guy hesitates a minute before replying.... "Well yes.. as a matter of fact I did a peacock once...and I was wondering if you were my son" Submitted by Randy Haynes from Anchorage Alaska on April 1/99 |
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The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania
town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female
member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend
thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do,
so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar." The Reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded. "Well if you're that far you may as well finish." Submitted by Terrence C. Waterton from Ontario Canada on April 1/99 |
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1998 E-mail year in review I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together & distribute the $600 Neiman Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true-I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital-the one, actually, where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to twenty people you will have good luck, forward to ten people you will only have ok luck and if you send it to less than ten people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without his lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. ==================================================================== First, get a pen and paper. Second, write the numbers one through six. Next to number one, write any number... Next to number two, write the name of anyone to whom you are really attracted... Next to three, write down the first color you can think of... Next to number four, write the name of your first pet.... Next to number five and six write down the name of a family member... Remember...no cheating..... SCROLL DOWN once you're done the list... The number next to number one shows how many times you should be smashed over the head with a baseball bat for thinking that stupid e-mails like this actually mean anything.... The person named next to number two is someone who will never sleep with you because you're stupid enough to waste your time on something like this... The color you picked means nothing. It's a friggin' color for Christsake... Number four gives you the name of a dead animal ... Numbers five and six represent family members who are embarrassed to be related to you..... Submitted by Jackie (aka JBEAR) from Parmella Georgia on March 27/99 |
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Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However,
I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and
I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."
The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up." "But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?" "It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain." "But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?" "No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow." "Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there." "Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore." A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there." Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but what are we going to do, to get them to come down next year?" Submitted by Jamie Jones from Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada on March 28/99 |
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In England from an actual trial: A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested. When the case came before the court this was the man's reply when asked why he acted in such a manner: "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloan’s Liniments remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident." He won the case. Submitted by William B. Conradson from Michigan USA on March 28/99 |
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I took some clients out to dinner and noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our
waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a
random thing until our busboy came with water & tableware. He, too, sported a
spoon in his breast-pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters,
waitresses, busboys, etc., had spoons in their pockets.
When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?" "Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per work station. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time...nearly 1.5 extra man hours per shift." Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced the fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained. I was impressed. "Thanks, but I had to ask." "No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our order. As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth between each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters & busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but.. uh.. why, or what.. about that string?" "Oh, yeah", he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men's room, too." "How's that?" "You see, by tying a string to the end of OURSELVES, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%." "Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the process, I had to ask, "Hey, wait-a-minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use my spoon." Submitted by Adam Danials from Maui Hawaii on March 28/99 |
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A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief Devil in
Charge).
Devil: We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your own personal hell. Man: That's not so bad, whatcha got? Devil: Well, I'm going to open a series of doors, I want you to look inside, assess the situation and then tell me if that's where you want to spend eternity. Man: OK. The devil opens the first door and there's a room of people standing on their heads on a hardwood floor. Man: Ouch, that seems painful. It's not for me, what's next. The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on concrete floors. Man: That looks worse, got anything left? The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing knee deep in poop drinking coffee. Man: Well, the poop smells but I could stand the smell and drink coffee all day. I'll take this one. Devil: Are you sure this is the one you want? Man: Absolutely! The devil then escorts him in the room shuts and locks the door. As soon as the door closes, a whistle blows and a loud speaker says "All right, coffee break is over, back on your heads." Submitted by Joseph Kennedy from Prince George Canada on March 30/99 |
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One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church.
"Reverend", she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during
your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea." said the minister. "Take this hat pin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hat pin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation while motioning toward Mrs. Jones. "God!" Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hat pin. "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hat pin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that G#@ damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!" Submitted by Leroy Heirich from Germany on March 30/99 |
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A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to
"enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said,
"Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?"
The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!" Submitted by Georgia from Panama on March 30/99 |
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A man was driving home late at night. He was also driving above the speed limit. He
noticed a police car [with its lights whirling] in his rear view mirror. He says to
himself, "I can outrun this guy." He floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing
down the highway -- 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes
100, the guy sighs aloud and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says, "Listen, mister. I've had a really lousy day and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!" The officer let him go. Submitted by Sheila Francis from Newfoundland Canada on March 30/99 |
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Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly
hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started
to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to
another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is
I can cure your headaches. . ."
"The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . . size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure . . ." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see. . .34 sleeve and . . . 16 and a half neck". Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9 and a half...wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating Joe said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see...7 5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure .. "The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache." Submitted by Louise Lutz from Germany on March 30/99 |
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A depressed young woman was so desperate, that she decided to end her life by
throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome
young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to
live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my
ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he
slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll
keep me happy."
The girl nodded 'yes'. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine |
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