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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping
trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes
said: Watson, look up into the sky and tell me
what you see.
Watson: I see millions and millions of stars. Holmes: And what does that tell you? Watson: Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you? Holmes: Watson, you dickhead. Somebody stole our tent. |
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JUST FOR LAUGHS… Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away, and you have their shoes too. If Superman is so smart, why does he wear his underwear outside his Trousers? If superman can stop a bullet with his chest, why does he duck when a gun is thrown at him?? Friends help you move, real friends help you move bodies. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. |
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WHO ARE WE??? Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils. 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do. Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands. to do it correctly. 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man. 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear. 67.5% of men wear tightie whities (briefs). The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B. 85% of women wear the wrong bra size. 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations. 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods. 90% believe in divine retribution. 10% believe in the 10 Commandments. 82% believe in an afterlife. 45% believe in ghosts. 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail. 29% of us are virgins when we marry. 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't. 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item. 35% give to charity at least once a month. How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and religion. 7% would murder. 69% eat the cake before the frosting. When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton. 85% of us will eat Spam this year. 70% of us drink orange juice daily. Snickers is the most popular candy. 22% of us skip lunch daily. 9% of us skip breakfast daily. 66% of us eat cereal regularly. 22% of all restaurant meals include French fries. 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds. Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side. 45% use mouthwash every day. 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink. The typical shower is 101 degrees F. Nearly 1/3 of US women color their hair. 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery. 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on. 58% of women paint their nails regularly. 62% of us pop our zits. 33% of women lie about their weight. (Only 33%?) 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost. 57% have had deja vu. 49% believe in ESP. 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids. The average girl starts her period at age 12. 44% have broken a bone. Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level. 14% have attended a self-help meeting. 15% regularly go to a shrink. 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home. 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up. 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat. 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet. 23.5% admit they don't always flush. 45.2% pee in the shower. 44.9% pee in the ocean. 28.1% pee in the pool. 55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they're sitting the toilet. 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host. 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants. 29% of us ignore RSVP. 71.6% of us eavesdrop. 22% are functionally illiterate. Less than 10% are trilingual. 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR. 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers. 56% of women do the bills in a marriage. 2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks. 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life. 40% of us have had music lessons. 44% reuse tinfoil. 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse. 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch. 53% read their horoscopes regularly. 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men). 59% of us say we're average-looking. 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us. 53% of us would take advice from Ann Landers. 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex. 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity. On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year. 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends. 2 out of 5 have married their first love. The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money. Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand. 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees. 6% propose over the phone. 71% can drive a stick-shift car. 45% of us consistently follow the speed limit. 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light. 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts. 12% of men never use their car blinkers. 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them. 4 out of 5 sing in the car. |
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Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk: Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. What do I do? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What's the shortcut for Undo? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I create a New Document window? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. |
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A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St.Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108." |
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Hello, and welcome to the American Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly. If you are co-dependant, please get someone to press two for you. If you have multiple personalities, please press three, four, five and six. And if you are paranoid, don't worry, we know who you are and we're coming to get you. |
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"30 FUN THINGS TO DO WHILE DRIVING" (Of course, we don't recommend doing ANY of them !) 1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit. 2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang. 3. At stoplights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors. 4. Two words: Chicken suit. 5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better. 6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone. 7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot. 8. Stop at the green lights. 9. Go at the red ones. 10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance. 11. Eat food that requires silverware. 12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly. 13. Sing without having the radio on. 14. Honk frequently without motivation. 15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture. 16. Ask people for Grey Poupon. 17. Let pedestrians know who's boss. 18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look. 19. Restart your car at every stoplight. 20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly. 21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window. 22. While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars. 23. Paint your car with occult symbols. 24. Keep at least five cats in the car. 25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex. 26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks. 27. Stop and collect roadkill. 28. Stop and pray to roadkill. 29. Throw Spam. 30. Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop. |
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1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. 2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. 3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. 4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in. 5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners. 6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. 7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters. 8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. 9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially down narrow aisles. 10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens. 11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10". 12. Play with the automatic doors. 13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment. 14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?" 15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department. 16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive." 17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department. 18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field. 19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!" 20. Put M&M's on layaway. 21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas. 22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath. 23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles. 24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. 25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come Robin--to the Batcave!" 26. TP as much of the store as possible. 27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles. 28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down. 29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?" 30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them yelling, "Red Rover!" 31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?" 32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men. 33. Take bets on the battle described above. 34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics. 35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible. 36. Hold indoor shopping cart races. 37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission:Impossible." 38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags. 39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags. 40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?" 41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store. 42. Two words: Marco Polo. 43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the petfood aisle, etc. 44. Re-alphabetize the CD's in Electronics. 45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels. 46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word. 47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out. 48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "NO, NO! It's those voices again!" 49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time. 50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it. |
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I'M GLAD I'M A MAN I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe. I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese. I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts. I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west. I don't get wasted after only 2 beers, and when I do drink I don't end up in tears. I won't spend hours deciding what to wear. I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair. And I don't go around checking my reflection in everything shiny from every direction. I don't whine in public and make us leave early, and when you ask why get all bitter and surly. I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing. I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring. I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back. I don't carry our differences into the sack. I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you or think every guy out there's trying to steal you. I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too. I know what the time is and I know what to do. And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two balls and stand when I pee. I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball. It's more fun than dealing with women after all. I won't cry if you say it's not going to work. I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk. Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure. I won't assume it's permanent by any measure. Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see. I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery. I don't get all bitchy every 28 days. I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise. I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true. I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you! |
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I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am. I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam. I don't brag to my buddies about my erections. I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions. I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown. And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down! I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt. My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut. And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch, or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch. I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind. I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing. I don't have body hair like shag carpeting. It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back. When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack. And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb. I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome. Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side. I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me, to have these two boobs and squat when I pee. I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball. I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal. I won't tell you my wife just does not understand, or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band. Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep, then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep! Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see. Forget all about that old penis envy. I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks. Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my d***.. I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true. I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you! |
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