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A fellow walks into his doctor's office, complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor
makes a physical examination and listens to the symptoms, and concurs with the self-diagnosis. "I want
you to come back tomorrow, to start treatment. And bring a banana and a cookie with you" said the
doctor. Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complies, and returns the next day with a banana and
a cookie. The doctor says "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit."
Although leery about the turn of events, the patient drops his pants and bends over. The doctor peels the banana and with one deft motion rams it up the guy's ass. While the doctor consults his watch, our hero dances around the room shouting at the doctor. "Okay, one minute is up, and we have to complete the second part of the treatment if your truly want to get rid of this tapeworm" advises doc. Despite the pain, the patient does want to be cured, so complies with the order to bend over again. Again, the doctor takes the cookie and rams IT up the patients ass. "Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring another banana and a cookie" says the doctor. The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nods his head. Next day, the same routine ensues. First the doctor rams up a banana, waits exactly one minute, then rams up a cookie. And the next day, and the next day and the next!! Every day UP goes a banana, wait one minute, then UP goes a cookie. After one full week of treatments, the doctor finally says "Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatments. I want you to bring in a banana and a hammer." "Not a cookie?" asks the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like. "Nope, a hammer" confirmed the doctor. The last day the doctor says "Okay, you know the routine". So the man drops his pants and bends over. UP goes the banana, and the doctor looks at his watch and picks up the hammer. One minute passes. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes pass. Then a little head pokes out the patients ass. "WHERE'S MY COOKIE"???? Submitted by Mark Francis from Coquitlam B.C. Canada on April 1/99 |
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The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.
"Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves." "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives. "For a male brain, $500,000.00 For a female brain, $200,000.00." Some of the younger male relative tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between the male brains and the female brains?" "A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team, "women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used. Submitted by Bill Millar from Tasmania Australia on April 14/99. |
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A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent. The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back, "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, they stink terribly." "Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing." |
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An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better! " he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that"? The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him. "That's impossible!" Someone else must have shot that bear. "Exactly." |
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A Doctor with a Thermometer A doctor had come out of an examination room and begun to write a prescription. A nurse walked by and said, "Excuse me, Doctor, but you are trying to write with your thermometer." The doctor looked at the thermometer and said, "Dammit! Some asshole has my pen." Submitted by Aaron Freidman from Germany on April 8/99. |
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A Little Pill "Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her? I am desperate!" The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE." "I don't know, doc, she's awfully cold..." "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?" "Um... okay." The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes, he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near-whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I...need... a man..." His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too..." Submitted by Wendy Kraus from Omaha Nebraska, USA on April 13/99. |
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"Cork" A man walks into the doctor's office and says to him, "Doc, I seem to have a slight rectal problem." The doctor says, "Drop your pants and I'll take a look." Much to the doctor's amazement, the patient has a cork six inches in diameter embedded deeply in his ass. "How in the world did that happen?" he asked. The man replied, "Yesterday I was walking on the beach when I noticed this bottle sticking out of the sand. I picked it up and cleaned it off when a genie appeared. 'Thank you for releasing me from the bottle. As a reward for your kindness, I will grant you any wish you desire.' "No shit?!" I said. Submitted by Jean Ackerman from Ohio, USA on April 14/99 |
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A woman was called into the doctors surgery to discuss her husband's health. The
doctor said, I'll be blunt. "I don't like the look of your husband, Mrs. Brown".
Frowning, she replied, "Neither do I doctor, but he's good with the kids and he cuts
the grass every week".
Submitted by Junior from Los Angelos California, USA on March 29/99. |
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